bleach bath!

today i changed my hair.

i took out books on analogue photography and i only have five exposures left on my disposable at which point i will go find myself some black and white film and go a bit nuts.

i have a world call card so i can phone my wife for her birthday.

i have learned about anger and patience and that violence hurts like hell the next morning.

i have learned that cell phones are expensive and that i will have to use a keypad until monday.

i have learned that strength is not in whether or not you break down - everybody breaks down - but about how you pick yourself up. strength is in recovery.

and never, ever take your friends for granted - never. they are the greatest people ever. love them.

and you are going to have to wait a while to see what i did to my hair, lovers.

just became another statistic.

My phone was just stolen. I kid you not. About two hours ago my phone was casually lifted off a table I was dining at and now it is stolen. My beautiful smart phone was just taken. My phone. It was MINE. And it really was – that phone was built for me. From it’s awesome camera filters to its amazing touch screen, HD video and lovely grid to its screwed up operating system. It was mine and now it is gone.

I’ve lost photos and contacts and emails and notes and random crap. Music I have randomly collected. For those of you who keep telling me it is just a phone: imagine losing your camera, your iPod, your phone and that random note book you write random crap in all in a matter of seconds. Sucks, doesn’t it? Of course it fucking sucks.

I am angry. I don’t want to be told to calm down or that it is just a phone. Shut the fuck up! I do not care what you have to say. I am angry as fucking hell. I could beat the crap out of somebody right now. Dude, I even offered you a fucking reward which is more that you will have now as my lovely network can apparently fry my phone. So my phone is fried. This kills me so much. 16 gigs of memory just gone in the wink of an eye. I want to beat the crap out of something.

I really just want to beat the crap out of something and drink a shit load of vodka and run away.

Also, you could never pay me enough money to go to square against my free will ever a fucking again. Fuck. I need out. I feel dumb – like I lost my phone. Like this is all my fault. And it sort of is. I want to throw things and break glass and plates and people. I’m in a mean mood. And by mean I mean so pissed off I could rip off heads.

This is my laptop all over again – I know the person who has it won’t be looking at my personal information but they have access to my facebook, tumblr, twitter and this blog. They could spy on my personal life. They have all my friend’s numbers and all the personal messages I have sent people. Fuck. At least this time I haven’t lost a whole novel. Seriously, that would fucking suck again. #sarcasmfont

Right now? I just want a shit load of vodka and the person who has my phone to be raped in prison.

Told you I was in a bad mood. But fuck, wouldn’t you be too?

farm trippin' + pocho = random jokes about swimming pools

I am exhausted out of my mind – zombified. Got back from a #FARMTRIP today and it was truly epic. It is on weekend like these that I am reminded why I adore my friends and their ability to shrug off things without needing to understand every last detail. They might not accept everything but they are some of the best friends a person could have.

Essentially we spent most of the weekend in a mellow frame of mind. I am actually surprised at just how mellow I have become in my old age and my lack of need to be doing something constantly. We spent so much time chilling around in weird places and not such weird places. We managed to laugh off some of the bad things and the way things tended to constantly fall into the pool. We need to have a function to sew our pockets closed so that things can’t jump out of them and into the pool.

Things falling in the pool became quite an epic metaphor for losing things. Lotsa stuff fell into the pool and some things we threw into the pool at a great force. It takes all sorts of make a world and we fill up that CRAYCRAY/perfectly sane percentage of the world.

On the first night we tried to find “the bridge” so we could have sundowners but the bridge had managed to get itself thrown in the pool by recent storms but I got some cute pictures which will be uploaded to facebook soon. I also used the disposable camera and managed to only have twelve shots left. His project is finally taking off and soon I shall be able to start a photo wall. There are some strange and bizarre shots from roadtrippin’ to people admiring to pond of toxic waste.

Because I am too lazy tell the whole story of the weekend here is a rough list in no particular order of what we (mostly me) got up to:

I fell asleep outside while I was stargazing (I was not alone when I fell asleep. Thank you, friend, for leaving me as an offering for geese
the animals of the night) and falling asleep outside is great until you wake up at 5.44 and you are cold.

Lena and I won 30 seconds and managed to get all five right on one card. I would like to personally thank Alanis Morrisette for being Canadian. This, for some odd reason, made this five in a row victory possible. Thank you, Alanis, your nationality has been great to us.

I never used the bedding I brought but the poncho I packed was one of my best decisions ever. I only saw my pillow on three occasions and two of them were when I was packing it into and out of the car. I also never slept in the same bed more than once and weirdly enough I was in a very cuddly mood except when sleeping me kept pushing the blanket off the people I was sleeping with. I wasn’t even stealing it from her – just pushing it off of her. My subconscious is a douche canoe.

You can spend fifteen minutes listening to really bad music on a roadtrip because everybody thinks that somebody must be enjoying it and nobody wants to be rude. Never just accept the music you are being forced to listen to. Be rude and change it. Please.

We had many discussions but for some weird reason all the discussions I have been privy to lately have ended up being the epic battle of MAC VS. PC. Everybody has different things to say but after having the same conversation a million times over all I have is the word “encrypted” stuck in my head.

We named a duck. He is the most epic duck ever. A true hermit.

We yelled at many farm animals (when we weren’t naming them) Goats are what you yell at in the morning after you have managed to kill the electricity with a bath and had too much red wine. Also, sleeping next to somebody syncs your brain with theirs and you manage to yell, “shut up, you stupid, *much swearing here* goats!” at the exact same second. People become awesome when they spend more time with me.

Oh, yes, we killed all the power in the house with a bath. We haz skillz.

I experienced my first indoor downpour and lost my towel in the process. I believe I would have enjoyed the situation more if I had been in my poncho and I had not been trying to light candles so that we could see shit in the now very dark house. I am very good at making instant candle holders as well. Skillz, y’all, skillz.

We chased a gecko around a deck (and possibly scared the poor thing to death) in order to photograph his weird tail. The one photo I managed to take where you can see what the hell is really going on the tail is cropped out. I’m smart like that.

“WE LIKE TO MOVE IT, MOVE IT” is not something you want to wake up to.

Somebody ashed into my Snapple bottle lid and after I expressed my disgust at this a second person did it. Then it fell in the pool. This is sort of a metaphorical chain of events that describe the whole weekend. As soon as more things come to mind I will update this but until then I leave you with a photo of me dancing on a table.

just tell 'em

Like many humans I love being told that I am beautiful – I like being told it almost as much as I like being told that somebody loves me. It might be vain but there is nothing nicer to hear than somebody saying “You are beautiful.” And if it is sincere it has the most uplifting effect on me – like an honest hug on a bad day or a compliment out of the blue. Maybe I just like being complimented in general but whenever somebody is that sincere it always lifts up my day. Today, for the first time in a while I felt truly beautiful.

It was just an ordinary day, a bit overcast in the morning which was lovely, but on this ordinary day I was ill and had managed to catch the virus that was making its rounds around our household. I made myself breakfast and got back into bed and drifted off to sleep. I stayed in a catatonic state for most of the day until I got up, showered and did some household things, went on a lovely walk with my neighbor and came home to get ready to go to a school play, presented by my old house from high school during their annual play festival, which was showing that evening.

The play was fantastic and I adored it. It was original and had loads of awesome creativity flowing in it but the high light of my evening was seeing my cast from last year – two of them now the directors or in my mind HBICs – put a play that was captivating and hilarious. Partly I would like to think that I had helped to mentor them to this stage but that would be unfair on them. They did an amazing job and I loved being able to go up to people who I had worked with last year and congratulate them for doing so amazingly. I know that the HBICs most likely took to the water of directing like graceful swans and not like the awkward duck that I had been. I love giving compliments just as much as I love getting them – it is so lovely to see the smile on somebody’s face when you tell them you adore what they have done.

On my way home I popped in at my mom, who was working an evening shift in the hostel, and said hello to her. After I left, as she told me later that evening, the girl who had been in the staff study at that time had sighed and told my mother that I was “so beautiful”. I don’t think she knows how much I needed that but she is a lovely, beautiful person herself. I hope she knows that and that people tell her that.

When I got home, after popping in at my mom’s evening shift in the hostel, I made myself some tea that smells like jasmine and headed out to watch the moon rise. Sitting there, on the grass with my cats, while clutching my tea I can honestly say that I felt beautiful – and not physically beautiful but wholly beautiful. I felt this warm glow inside of me that I can’t really explain but it comforts me and lets me know that the Universe loves me as I am sitting on the grass, watching the moon rise. It was an inner peace I hadn’t felt in a long time and it was something I needed quite badly.

“A candle losses nothing by lighting another candle.” Somebody once told me that and it is true. So, go out and tell people they are beautiful and make them feel loved. Spread compliments like wild fire and make somebody’s day special because no matter who they are: they need it and need to know that the Universe loves them the way they are. Embrace what that teller told me once and just freaken tell people you love them.

not exactly the person i thought i'd be [with apologies]

I have been unhappy with my life as of late. No, not unhappy about my life, I am unhappy about myself. I feel disconnected from everybody and everything. I don’t feel like I am doing myself justice – I don’t deserve to be this person I see in the mirror. I want to be that person I see smiling in photographs; I want to be the self assured, overconfident person I was a few months back. I want that balanced, rounded person back.

When I look in the mirror I am dissatisfied and I can see what a friend told me once : my eyes are broken. They don’t show how I am really feeling or how I want to be feeling. How did it come to this? How did I become this disappointment to myself? Am I really that pathetic person who gets up every morning without a vision? Without enthusiasm?

How did it come to this?

I feel like I have lost so much, I feel distant from the world, I can’t fit the pieces of the puzzle back together. It is all so confusing and alienating and I don’t want to get out of bed. I want to curl up under the covers and forget myself, forget the world, forget the people I have hurt. I hurt the people I care about and by doing this I hurt myself. I don’t want to be cruel and I know that deep down every judgment I pass is a reflection of inner conflict. I highlight and exaggerate the bad habits and irritating qualities of people I know. Do I really think she is a bitch? No, I think she has shit she has to sort out but she isn’t a bitch. And I apologize for passing that judgment.

I am out of control. I act purely impulsively and it feels like logical-me has packed up her bags and given up on our relationship. She has left and I am left with all this raw emotion I can’t cope with – I want to label it, put it in a box so it can’t hurt me, but I can’t get it to stand still long enough to even see what it is. And the pain is unbearable at times – both physical and emotional – and it is so raw. This out of control feeling makes me jump – make rash, stupid decisions that I did not want to make. I do not have regrets except for the way I acted towards a person I think is an incredible human being. I have no idea what possessed me in that split second and I don’t think I ever really will understand it – I wanted to say good-bye, wish you a safe journey but everything fell apart and some feral part of me took over. And I am sorry that happened. Truly, truly sorry.

I don’t know who I am around other people – sometimes I recognize myself in intelligent conversation but other times I have no idea why I am putting on this front. Yes, I am a dead honest person or at least I try to be. I over share unwanted information and I ask too many questions but I am still trying to figure it all out. Lately, I haven’t been honest. People ask me what I am doing with my year and I lie and tell them my GAP year is going great, everything according to plan. It isn’t. I am lost and confused and I have never felt this alone before. It feels worse in crowds – I don’t stick. In the middle of polite conversation I feel isolated and alone.

When I meditate my mind goes to dark places – every door I open shows me something terrifying and so many things that I don’t want to see. I feel disconnected from my spirituality and question my fate, my destiny. I feel like I am choosing it right now and that it is all going to be a big mistake. I fear for the future more than ever. Is the universe hearing my prayers or have I fallen off the map?

I am not the person I want to be – I barely recognize myself? Where did my balance go? Where is that feisty person I really know? Where is my passion? My compassion?

I need change. I need to find this inner demon and dispose of it. I don’t know how yet but I want to move past this and abandon all the things I dislike about my current self. I want to see the world through fresh eyes and not this.

Change.

the untold wisdom of tellers

Tellers at super markets have untold wisdom. The other day I had a Paulo Coelho moment when I was paying for my ice cream at a local garage. When i reached the front of the que the teller smiled a charming smile at me and I greeted him in kindness despite my awful mood. The he asked me something that threw me completely out of the water.

Him: "What must a man do when he loves you?"

Me (completely perplexed by this simple question: "I guess they should just be kind to me."

The man smiled and looked at me while shaking his head while he said:

"No, they should just tell you."