Sometimes I think odd things like “what if I went to a finishing school?” I mostly think that when I’m putting on red lipstick and it smudges. I doubt a finishing school could teach me these things but I wonder if people would like me more if I was finished off. There are lots of things in my life that aren’t finished, sort of open ended situations that hang; friends I haven’t said good bye to but have moved away, tragic loves I need to bury, people I no longer love the way I used to.
And it is ok. I don’t mind these things being frazzled at the ends and in my own way I feel it is better that way - easier to climb into the gap if you haven’t started shoveling dirt into it yet. Sometimes the dirt just shovels itself in and that is ok too.
I was reading something about content being the new happy. Maybe too many things are just ‘ok’ in my life but awhile back nothing was ‘ok’ and I feel better with things like they are now than what they were. I would do almost anything to not go back to before. Before was just really horrid and empty and after that even content can be seen as happiness. You need to make happiness. I’ve only recently really discovered this.
Sometimes I get really quiet and people wonder if I’m ok. I guess this happens when you always pretended that you being loud and you being ok are the same thing. If you lie to people through your body language and they can’t figure you out that isn’t their fault.
Then again, lots of things are nobody’s fault. I don’t believe in blame anymore.
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